The British Lords Decide to Destroy Our Last, Best Hope


Thanks to the valiant efforts of a handful of Marxist historians, it's now public knowledge that the Paraguayan War, the bloodiest conflict in Latin American History, was fully instigated and backed by the British.

In "The Absent-Minded Imperialists" (Oxford, 2004), Bernard Porter, a foremost historian of the British Empire, tells us that in the crucial decade of 1860 only about 10% of the House of Common's time was devoted to Imperial matters.

Given the preeminence of the Paraguayan question in the minds of these statesmen, we can only assume that the full 10% mentioned above was dedicated to it. The rest of the Empire, after all, practically managed itself.

Recent research of Parliamentary archives has just uncovered the minutes of the fatal session where the decision to destroy Paraguay was finally taken.

It's a shocking document, reeking of hypocrisy and evil, that finally proves undisputedly all the boldest, seemingly nonsensical accusations of the Marxist historians.

I always knew they were right.

* * *

Our story begins in the early 1860s, at the recently completed Houses of Parliament, London.

Those distinguished Lords, entrusted with the keeping of a mighty Empire where the sun never sets, where the fog never lifts and where blood pudding never goes to waste, are busy deciding a matter of the utmost, most crucial strategic importance for the daily lives of British tax-payers everywhere.

Are they discussing the new system of brick-line sewers, essential for the sanitation of the city, or the massive crowds of Eastern European refugees recently fleeing to England, or even the imminent construction of the first underground railway in the world?

Of course not, silly reader. Why would they, of all people, worry about such trivialities?

The British Lords have their priorities straight: they are concerned about Paraguay.

Says Lord Boyle Roche:

"I must confess to you, my fellow Lords, I couldn't sleep last night. Yesterday's dire revelations, made to his house by our overseas spies, kept circling round my head like dizzy vultures excited by the prospect of eating the rotten carcass of the recently deceased swan that sang the swan song of our Empire!" At that, he loudly pounds at a nearby table, or, alas, he tries, but there is no table nearly, so his fist just hangs there in mid-air as he proceeds: "We must boldly go into that lion's den and protect our lion's share of the world! The British eagle shall not allow that swan to sing its final song!"

Lord Gibbon, although confused by the mixed metaphors, agrees:

"It's clear that Paraguay is the greatest threat the British Empire has ever faced since Napoleon."

"Napoleon Shmoleon!" Chuckles nervously Lord Nelson, the Third, "That shorty olive-eating Corsican was never a threat to our mighty Empire. A mere nuisance. A fly we swatted at Trafalgar."

"A fly we swatted at Waterloo." Coughs Lord Wellington, the Third, gently correcting.

"Whatever," Shoos Nelson, making a bold gesture as if swatting the fly in question right there and then: "the point is that the French midget was nothing compared to the Paraguayan Lion, Solano Lopez. If we don't do something fast, it will be the Continental blockade all over again. By the end of the decade, we shall have another enemy army facing us on the other side of the channel. Paraguayan Armies will be marching through Piccadilly, their battleships will be sailing up the Thames and we'll be forced to adopt their disgusting eating habits."

"I heard they like to drink a hot infusion of herb leaves!" Trembles Lord Earl Grey. "Who's ever heard of such barbarian custom!"

"Order! Order!" Calls Lord Thatcher. "I think the awesome might of the Paraguayan Republic has been amply demonstrated and is obvious for all to see. The question before this House is: what shall we do to protect our Empire from this clear and present danger?"

"I think we should do what the Americans tell us to do." Says Lord Blair, visibly trembling, "What's their opinion?"

"We can fend for ourselves!" Interjects Lord Churchill, "Let's keep the Americans on the bench. We can always call them if we get in a jam we can't get out of."

"Besides," Says Lord Thatcher, who was also a good friend of the Americans, "they're too busy playing Civil War. When they figure out who's in charge, they'll let us know. The American Civil War is no concern of ours, 'tis but a trifle in world affairs. None of our strategic, long-term interests are at stake there and I see no reason for us to even go into such a pointless subject. We are here to manage the greatest Empire on Earth. We must have vision. We must concentrate on what's vital for our survival and prosperity."

And, after a dramatic pause, he drops it: "We have to focus on the Paraguayan menace, gentlemen!"

At that, Lord Smith asks for the floor and thus he begins:

"The menace is not only military, my fellow Lords, although it's self-evident that Paraguay is a super-power. But the invincible Guarany republic threatens us in a more fundamental way. Even if they don't use their awesome power to sweep the Royal Navy off the sea, the very economic example they set is enough to crush our Empire within a generation. Those evil concepts we devised to take over the world, such as free trade and utilitarianism, will just not be able to withstand the onslaught of the Paraguayan communal example. Liberalism will be exposed for the fraud it is and we'll be left with nothing. Not even the invisible hand will be able to extricate us from this predicament."

Lord Bentham, also very frightened and visibly shaken, adds:

"The Paraguayans have perfected the most efficient, utilitarian and socially-conscious economical system known to man. The country enjoys economic prosperity unequalled in the History of Mankind. The sum of happiness of individual Paraguayans is greater than the sum of happiness of everyone else in the planet combined. Or, worse yet, it would have been, if Paraguayans ever thought of themselves as individuals, but they don't. The whole country is a communal, well-oiled machine entrusted to the benign leadership of Lopez. Every citizen knows how to read, write, do the basic arithmetic operations, prove the Pythagorean theorem and discuss the relative merits of Aquinas' scholastic theory vis a vis Aristotelian logic."

"The roads are paved with gold and everyone lives on their own palace. Each citizen contributes to the improvement of society according to his ability and gets paid according to his needs. There is no trading, and therefore, no capitalism, no surplus value, no exploitation of man by man. Since there is also no competition among individual members of the community (need I repeat that they don't even think of themselves as individual members of the community?), there's no crime, no vice, or any kind of unhappiness. Unhappiness, by the way, used to be against the law, but this law was dropped last year, since it had never been enforced: there is simply no unhappiness in Paraguay."

"They have the most technologically advanced industrial complex in the world. They are self-sufficient in food, raw materials, military equipment and even oil, to which they haven't found a use yet, but Paraguayan scientists guarantee it's going to be big. Their scientists are currently working on a top secret project our spies could barely penetrate. Apparently, they are creating huge abacus-like calculating machines which will be connected by telegraph wires and will revolutionize the way we buy books or concert tickets, without having to leave the comfort of our homes."

Meanwhile, the quiet sobbing of Lord Smith had become so audible as to embarrass the other Lords. When he notices all eyes on him, the poor liberal simply cracks:

"You see, you see? There's no hope! How can we compete with that?! What can we do? It's finis britaniae!"

At this dark moment of despair, the clear-headed and bold Lord Chamberlain takes the floor and tries to put some sense into their Lordships' heads:

"Let us not delude ourselves, gentlemen. There's no way we can defeat Paraguay, neither militarily nor economically. I suggest appeasement. I volunteer to go there myself and give Lopez all our assurances that if he annexes Uruguay or decides to launch an aggressive war against Brazil or Argentina, he shall have nothing to fear from us. This way, he might show us some leniency when he rules the world."

"You always want to surrender!" Spits Lord Churchill, "What are you? Bloody French? Let's fight! If we attack Paraguay with all we have right now, we may have a sporting chance of defeating Lopez. Or at least we'll go down in flames, fighting, like good Britons. We have nothing to offer but our beer, sherry and tequila!"

"Though we are not now that strength which moved earth and heaven, what we are, we are..." Sighs, nostalgically, Lord Tennyson.

"What we are is doomed," Shouts Lord Chamberlain, "unless we act fast and prostrate ourselves at the merciful feet of Lopez!"

"Enough, enough!" Claps Lord Thatcher, "We already know the situation is dire. Lord Chamberlain and Lord Churchill have at least offered us some suggestions, albeit not very palatable ones. Do we have any other suggestion on the floor? Are we really limited to surrendering or fighting for our lives? Isn't there a middle ground? Isn't there a way for us to solve this problem without getting our hands dirty? We're Lords here, after all."

Finally, Lord Bond, head of the Intelligence Committee, stands up and suggests:

"Well, we do have an undercover agent very well-placed in the Brazilian government. I think it's the perfect time for us to use him."

"And what do you suggest, Bond, Lord Bond?"

"Simple. Let's have them fight this war for us. After all, those South American countries have no self-determination. They have no national, historical reasons of their own to fight and kill each other. If they do, it's only at our imperialistic instigation, right? So, let's instigate. It won't be difficult for us to get our local puppet governments in Brazil and Argentina to join forces and make a tabula rasa out of Paraguay."

"Good idea," Says Lord Gibbon, "we may even get Brazil to topple the Uruguayan government and, this way, we'll have a Triple Alliance against Paraguay."

"Triple Alliance." Muses Lord Wellington, "I like the sound of that. Someone, please, take it down for further use."

"I just don't think we should rely on those Argentineans." Cautions Lord Thatcher, "They're always up to something, I can feel it in my bones. When we least expect it, they will attack."

"You worry too much," Says Lord Sheffield, "The Argentineans will never be able to even scratch us. Besides, if they ever try, we can always use the Falklands as a sea base to wage war on them."

"Paraguay is too powerful." Argues Lord Chamberlain, getting back to the subject "Lopez may be too much for Brazil, Argentina and Uruguay to handle, even if they're together. Do you think Agent 'I-Want-It-Now' would be willing to throw Brazil in its possibly bloodiest, longest war, just because we tell him to? After all, he's the Emper-

"Quiet, stupid!", Storms Churchill, "Not in here. These are open procedures. Will someone strike that from the record, please?"

"Rest assured," Assured Lord Bond, "Agent 'I-Want-It-Now' will do whatever we tell him to do, if he wants to keep his flow of cameras, microscopes, telescopes and other gadgets flowing."

"I can't believe this could possibly work!", Says Lord Nelson, "They would have to be more than stupid, they would have to be almost suicidal, to destroy, at our evil, imperialistic instigations, their last, best hope of economic independence and prosperity. Can't they see Paraguay is Heaven on Earth?"

"They are Latin-Americans, Nelson. Mongrels, mixed-blood. For God's sake, they're brown! They will jump if we say jump. Don't worry."

"Some more enlightened spirits may even see through our schemes and denounce our evil conspiracy." Admits Lord Bond, "They may even write books about the open veins of Latin America or about Paraguay, an American genocide, but they would only be a handful of lucid, isolated voices lost among the crowd. Those mongrels will believe what we tell them to believe: that the war was fought for their own national, historical reasons."

"What suckers!" Laughs Churchill.

"It gets better." Points out Lord Rothschild, "Do you think those brown apes have enough money and equipment to wage a decent war against mighty Paraguay?"

Rothschild leaves the question hanging for a moment and suddenly they all hear the roar of Lord Smith's laughter.

"Of course, of course!" There are tears in his eyes again, but now he's crying from joy: "They will have to borrow money FROM us to buy war equipment FROM us to destroy OUR enemy whom WE told them to destroy! By Golly, it's just perfect! See, didn't I tell you the invisible hand would set everything right? I knew it."

"It's win or win, gentlemen." Concludes Lord Thatcher, "Even if Paraguay is able to beat our Triple Alliance, it will be weak enough for us to finish it off on our own. And, no matter what happens, they will all be in our financial clutches forever! The foreign debt will cripple their development for at least a century and a half."

Lord Thatcher then breaks into the most scary, maniacal and contagiously evil laughter. Soon, all the distinguished Members of Parliament are also laughing diabolically and rubbing their hands in anticipation of the utter destruction of Paraguay and the crushing of Latin America's last, best dream of political and economical self-rule.

The last one to join in is Lord Bond, maybe anticipating that his great-grandson would still defeat many wicked villains with similarly sinister laughter, but, hey, he says to himself, you have to admit it, it IS fun to be this evil, and he starts laughing and rubbing his hands too.

"Delenda Paraguay!"

Rio, Dec.12, 2004

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